Creative
Saris, Mantras and Caged Birds
My story begins at the tender age of four, among strangers, wrapped in a sari, and assigned a new name in a place far from home. I would attend 8 different Hare Krishna boarding schools in 8 different states across the nation in less than 7 years’ time. This unconventional childhood journey offered many turning points that radically shaped, molded and impacted who I have become and the work I share today.
My parents were devout followers of the Hare Krishna movement, and as such, I was promptly sent away to a Hare Krishna boarding school before I was five years old. I was stripped of my birth name, my family and any semblance of a “normal” childhood. Forced to get out of bed at 4:00 am every morning, to cold showers, cover my head, and chant mantras that held no meaning for me at the time, was the first of many new rituals I would question.
One particularly difficult period, and dearly missing the warmth of my parent’s love, I wrote a letter to them with hearts, stars and rainbow drawings, signing it with love and affection to express the longing I felt to be with them. That letter was never delivered. Intercepted by the teachers, I was forced to rewrite my letter without the drawings, without longing and signing it coldly, “Your Servant.” Severing the chord between me and my parents welded the first bar of the cage that would soon engulf me. Still, I would wish.
At 5, I was entranced by magical Vedic stories shared daily where color held power and anything was possible. I had yet to understand that these stories with vibrant colors and blazing chariots lining the sky were meant to instruct me in devotion and servitude, and to solidify my subservient role as a woman in the Hare Krishna faith. Still, I would dream.
At 7, I discovered the power of words and was instantly enthralled. I started to see each letter in color with its own unique meaning. As I brought letters together to form words, they took on a life of their own. I was mesmerized by this new discovery and how free and excited I felt to see words come alive. Having this newly awakened creative fire in my belly, I relished in art activities and taking to the stage. I colored Krishna, the supreme God, in silver instead of the traditional blue he is known for, delighting in this free exploration. Seeing my colored picture of Krishna, my teacher forced me to the center of the room, placed a dunce cap on my head, and shamed me for my creativity, my expression, and for being a fallen child. I already knew words and colors held meaning and power. That day, I learned they were also dangerous for a spirited and curious child. Still, I would create.
Love
Sisterhood, Satan and the Start of a Rebellion
Blossoming into womanhood, my blood began to run and my body began to bloom. With this new season came a new routine and a new set of rules. I was no longer allowed to touch alters at certain times of the month. I would spend less time playing and more time learning the domestic skills that would make me a good wife and servant. My childhood was coming to an end; I was 11 years old.
During this time, and in light of the changes happening inside and outside of my body, I grew closer to my female friends. Giggling, we would often chase each other outside and share stories, and play games of make believe. As we were becoming young women, we needed each other more than ever. We felt compelled to compare what was happening with our bodies, and yet, we were still children with bouts of energy that needed to be released. I remember the day all of that changed. Chasing my best friend through the temple grounds, I was told to “stop chasing her like a dog in heat” by my teacher. Her words mortified me and made me feel ashamed and dirty. I didn’t know what I did to deserve those cutting words. All I knew was that I was bad for wanting to play and for longing to feel close and connected to my friends. Still, I would play
When my brother turned 4, he joined me in the Hare Krishna school in Tennessee. I was overjoyed to have him with me. We were so close, connected and shared a special bond that made us feel impenetrable. The teachers took notice and soon learned that the most painful punishment was separating us. My heart broke into a million little pieces every time they kept us apart.
Seeing my brother experience the abuse that so many of us did at that time broke me wide open. An overarching maternal instinct began to flood my body while at the same time, I felt powerless in protecting him. This lack of power stirred an outrage and anger in me that felt dark, and necessary to combat the darkness engulfing us all. The pain of seeing him hurt or mistreated stripped me of caring about anything or anyone else, including what would happen to me if I fought back. I was on a mission to protect him from the abuse and the contradictions of the faith and the strangers administering these unnatural and inhumane punishments. My determination ran deep, hard and dark with one focus – to get us out of there for good. Still, I would love.
Warrior
Wings, Wisdom and Wilde Ambitions
A rebellion began and what came with it was the emergence of a powerful soul warrior who would spark wild ambitions and wisdom and give me the key to flee the cage in which I was trapped.
This soul warrior now awakened deep within me challenged everything - the scriptures, the teachers, the contradictions, the abuse and the role of women. I took to writing, the one place I felt safe, expressing everything I thought and believed.
Still I wished. Still I dreamed. Still I created. Still I loved and still I engaged. Ultimately, I freed myself using my wings of self-expression and the wisdom of my awakened warrior.
At school, I had challenged so much that I became known as “Trouble”. After organizing a group of girls to runaway, appropriately calling ourselves the “RAGS,” short for the Runaway Girls, I was promptly kicked out of the Hare Krishna school with my brother in tow. We were immediately returned to our mother’s home. My mother, at the time, had also lost favor with the Hare Krishna community and was given a task to perform to rejoin, a task that would require her to abandon her daughter… again.
Shortly after arriving home, my mother handed me a basket full of men’s saffron coloured clothing. As a Hare Krishna, I instantly knew what this act symbolized. Every cell in my body filled with rage and the warrior in me came into full power. I asked my mother in horror, “You want me to get married?” My mother’s shocked look on her face, told me I had asked the right question. She begged me to at least meet him. I was 11 years old. The “him” was a 29 year old man. I felt betrayed and abandoned. I also loved my mother and would do just about anything to stay near her, even agreeing to meet this man.
My mother took me to Epcot Center to meet this man who desired a child bride. Sitting on a bench after riding Space Mountain, I watched the other children play and run. I wanted desperately to be one of them in their common clothes living normal lives. He tried to “win” me over by telling me I would be the first in my school to get married and win star status among my friends. He said, “As a married woman, you could eat cookies whenever you wanted” after he asked me what my favorite thing to do was. I told him, “I’m already a star.” And honestly, I could give up cookies!
Sickened by this man and his intentions, a powerful energy flooded my body and everything in me screamed “NO” - the idea of marriage, of becoming a servant to a man, of being a child wife of 11 years old, of my mother giving me over like a prize at a state fair. “No! No! No!” This man was a pedophile and would only put me back in the cage I freed myself of not long ago. I rejected him and my mother’s wishes. Still, I was free.
I was wild. I was creative. I was a warrior. I was LOVE, and I was already on my way to planning a fresh start.
After Epcot, I reclaimed my birth name and took my brother to live in London with our father. Once in London, we experienced a summer of true childhood – dancing, laughter, fun, connection, love and freedom. We saw movies, played with friends, read previously forbidden books and were given permission to express ourselves.
During this time, I felt a new sense of confidence. My ability to lead my friends out of the darkness, to provide a light with humour and play became apparent. While my reputation as “trouble” followed me to my final Hare Krishna school in France, it was there I discovered that absolutely nothing would stop me from being true to myself.
I enjoyed being on stage in our childhood plays, and every school thereafter felt like a stage to perform on, to show the world who I really was. The stages of my early childhood were the only places where I felt I could be who I am in glorious unbridled expression. Many years later, this passion and curiosity lead me to Improv, where I found magic, connection, awakenings, artistic expression, and excitement come to life. This is where my gifts and talents blossomed and where I am of the most service to others.
What I experienced in the first twelve years of my life set a course for a woman to emerge - free, curious and wild – ready to show others how to expand into their full awareness through self-expression and the power of play using the tools of improv that allows them to be completely free and unapologetically themselves.
I’m Vanessa Elle Wilde, a Creative Love Warrior, who guides and inspires courageous women, visionaries and teams to break free of their self-imposed or externally imposed cages. Through improvisation classes, workshops, and professional development experiences, O.IMPROV provides a safe and powerful platform for spontaneous self-expression. This creates an environment of inevitable success as participants uncover their bravery, brilliance and boldness all while having FUN! I invite you to ignite your Creative Love Warrior and join us at an upcoming O.IMPROV experience.